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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

He Asked!!

I was going to try my best to minimize the Anniversary talk – it’s very special to us, but not particularly something people care to see; not that people aren’t happy, but no one really values a dating anniversary unless it’s their own. We had a good one though… We went out to dinner at Tony’s Pasta Shop in the art district, and enjoyed some fresh made pasta and a glass of wine. Richard was being extra nice of course, but I could certainly tell something was on his mind. I thought something was wrong, or that he was uncomfortable in the setting since it is a little nicer than where we would normally have dinner. I just ignored my concern, and enjoyed the evening. He’s been acting nervous for about a week, but between his dad moving out of state and his childhood dog being diagnosed with cancer, I figured that he was feeling down about stuff, especially with the holidays.

Like I said, we went on to enjoy our dinner, and after we finished eating we got a glass of wine, and he came to sit by me. He said, “I’ve been thinking about what to say to you tonight.” I was thinking again, “this is nice… what a great anniversary…” He told me that he was a better man than he was three years ago, different than he was three years ago, and that he liked the man he is with me. I got butterflies and told him, “Geez, if you ever propose, don’t do it after we eat or you’ll ruin my dinner.” We all know that feeling you get when you get butterflies – it’s an amazing and nauseas feeling haha! Anywho… he replied, “well I’m going to have to ruin your dinner then..” He then reached for his coat pocket, and pulled out the box! I was just kept saying, “No no no! Are you joking?! Oh my gosh!! Yes!!” After we hugged and cried and laughed he said, “oh yeah, I guess I should actually ask – will you marry me?” Of course I said yes!!

We drove directly to my parents’ house, and on the way we called our friends and family. Almost all of his family knew, and my dad knew because he spoke to him last week about it. I think that was a great gesture and really old fashion and romantic, and I am so happy that my dad is over the moon about it. Everyone in my family loves Richard, and I got Mamaw’s approval of him before she passed which is really great (I will make sure she is remembered on our wedding day).

It’s hitting me more and more as the day does on, and I catch myself in happy tears thinking about it. I was just in a daze last night, but today it’s sinking in and wow! This feeling… just wow! I can’t describe it!! It’s just amazing! I’m happy too that we are getting nothing, but positivity and happiness in return from our friends and family, and that everyone is legitimately happy and excited for us. It really gives you great confidence in your relationship when people are rooting for you to succeed and are confident that you will. I love this. I hope the positivity continues as we take these next steps.

We have a lot to be Thankful for this Thanksgiving ^_^
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Monday, November 24, 2014

3 Years Today!!



I can't believe it's been 3 years!
Still happy, if not happier than I was when this all started :)
I love you RB! <3

Monday, November 17, 2014

What's Holding You Back?

I know we all love to set goals for ourselves and say, “when I lose weight, I’ll do this or try that.” Is that really inspiring us though? We frequently punish ourselves for slip up as if we have wasted some sort of time, when really we should simply live our lives day by day without treating ourselves like our lives are on hold just because we carry a few extra pounds. We pretend it’s the weight that is weighing us down, but is it? I think it’s ourselves that really weigh us down. We stay on this vicious cycle of punishment/reward with our way of eating and our workout routine – you are not a dog, you are human, and if you miss a workout or have popcorn at the movies it’s not the end of the world, or even your diet!

< I had a bad weekend – here’s my vicious cycle: Great workout Saturday, healthy lunch, high calorie dinner in a social setting (not particularly unhealthy though, just too much food from not paying attention to what I was consuming), and then the guilt! Sunday; lie in bed, enjoy my day, sensible brunch, no working out, guilt, eat dinner, more guilt, have a cookie, and dammit I’ve ruined my day. Someone brought up a good point that I may not be feeding myself enough at meal times, which can lead to a binge later in the day; that is 100% possible. My current calorie intake set on myfitnesspal.com is 1290 calories per day, more when I workout. I have my setting to “lightly active”, because I’m at a desk all day. I probably should be eating around 1500 calories a day to be satisfied, but I am programmed to be “afraid” of eating, as if food is the enemy attacking every aspect of who I want to be. Yeah, it’s that serious. With my health issues (Thyroid problems), everything is harder, and damn near impossible. My main benefit from working out 4 times a week and eating right is not gaining (as much) weight with my hypothyroidism or whatever… They speculated at my last doctor’s visit that I may have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis? I guess with symptoms, weight gain, and the nodules it’s an assumption? Whatever is going on, I hope to be on some sort of thyroid hormone to speed the darn thing up before too long so I can benefit from my work, but I’m not depending on it.

I was up all night last night thinking about this stuff; the what if’s and such. I guess I should be thankful for a clean biopsy at this point, and the avoidance of surgery. I thought they would simply remove the nodule if surgery was the next step, but no… they remove a portion of your thyroid from the experiences I read. Following that, I would have to take a pill for the rest of time, but I guess that’s ok as long as I am kept healthy. I really need to stop reading stuff on the internet.

The main point of this post was to remind myself that I’m the only one holding myself back, but I guess it turned into a bit of a pity party. Luckily, my biopsy is tomorrow and I’m hoping it doesn’t take too long for the results to come back so I can move forward. Not knowing is the worst part of this whole thing I think, as if I’m stuck in time.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Hello Gym,

I’ve recently reignited my gym routine after just a stupid year. I think we’re all to that point where we’re all like, “oh yeah, I only have two months to lose that extra 30 lbs I promised I’d do away with last New Years!” Panic sets in, and we start making excuses. I’m ok with making excuses, because frankly I have had a tough time this year. I’m thankful for having incredibly supportive people in my life, but we and everyone else could not control the things that happened this year. I started my year with losing my Uncle, followed by my grandmother, followed by finding a lump on my thyroid. Between being saddened by the losses, working full time, going to school full time, starting new and excited hobbies, and well… having a Thyroid that is not functioning properly; this year was just crappy! If I didn’t have enough to deal with, my thyroid being out of wack makes everything that much worse! It affects EVERYTHING! An underactive thyroid can cause depression, weight gain, dry skin, constipation, moodiness, and an altogether bad feeling all over. I’m struggling with going to the gym, because I’m exhausted all the time, but I’m doing it! All I can do is try, right?

And a small Thyroid update – my biopsy is on November 18th!
Wish me luck!
Something like 95% of thyroid lumps are non-cancerous
But at a certain size, they still require surgery.

I’ve been trying to get myself under control in regards to diet – I just love all the things! I can’t cut out a food group, I just can’t! Nope. I enjoy low carb, it’s easy for me, but as soon as I go out, I’ve ruined it with a cocktail or the wrong salad dressing. Speaking of salads… I love them! I’d prefer a salad over a lot of less healthy alternatives, but it seems even that is a guilty pleasure since many of them are packed with calories. My worst habit is high calorie dressing – I LOVE Panera’s Fuji Apple dressing, and it’s like 150 calories for two tablespoons, and I absolutely use more than that. For that reason, I stick to Opa yogurt dressings – two tablespoons are about 50 calories, and I can use a little more without feeling guilty. If I’m wanting a heavy lunch, I add roasted chicken to my salad, cranberries, and French fried onions which aren’t terrible. It just takes me having the patience and time to pack my lunch every day, and buying more stuff when I run out instead of eating whatever for days and days until the next trip to the store. I’m going to try also to keep some Special K cereal at work in my office and some almond milk in the fridge for breakfast – I love that stuff! Regular milk makes my stomach feel icky, so Almond milk has been a great answer to that issue.

I explained to Richard a while back that because of my weight, I didn’t want people to think I am lazy, because that’s not the case. I have certain medical issues that make it nearly impossible for me to lose weight. I workout, I eat right 85% of the year, and I really do try to make the scale go down. It’s incredibly discouraging to see myself simply maintain with all the work I do, but if I didn’t do the work, I’d be much heavier –there’s nothing wrong with being heavy, I’m just sayin’ I’m not comfortable with where I am right now, or gaining anymore. When people look at overweight or obese people they don’t see that a lot of us are trying, and struggling every day. They don’t know that I work 40 hours a week, go to school full time, take part in charitable groups, workout, diet, and deal with medical problems that make all of that very difficult – they see I’m over weight, and that’s how I’m defined by some, and that’s just not fair. It’s hurtful .

Don’t they know that I’m sick of saying, “This is the year I lose that weight!”
…and even sicker of not doing so?
It’s tough enough without those idiotic commentaries…

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Changes

When we lived across town, our apartment complex was next to a HUGE cemetery. A couple of times a week I would walk over to it, and get a great workout! The hill leading to the top had a road wrapped around it, and if I walked to the top and worked my way down, and back to our apartment I would get a good one hour workout in, which was perfect. I always shoot for an hour when I work out, because well… that’s just a good round number. After we moved I no longer had the access to the great walking trail, we’re not as close to downtown so I no longer park and walk the bridges, and our gym is now across town and it’s $50 to transfer the membership or an extra $10 a month to have an all access pass to all gyms; I haven’t decided which one we’re going to do, nor do I have the extra cash since it’s almost Christmas time.

Long story short, I have let my lack of working out get out of control. Working out not only makes me feel healthier, but I also feel better just in general; less down, more motivated, ect… I had a talk with Richard last night about this, and he felt similar. We joined a group recently who does a lot of children’s charity events; we dress up as superheroes, and go visit kids at different events or we go to the Movie Theater when there’s a Marvel or DC movie premier and entertain. Well, I have a character in mind that I’d love to try out, but I need to be fit! Richard also wants to be fit for his Wolverine cosplay – he looks great, but he wants to be a little more “cut”. I just want to be smooth – the suit I have in mind is NOT forgiving! I don’t mind curves, but I do mind bumps in the road.

We agreed to start off with two days a week at the gym – Wednesday and Friday. In addition I will work out on Monday, and go hiking on a weekend day until it gets too cold, and then I’ll move that day to the gym as well. So while Richard works out two days a week just for toning purpose, I will try to do four days a week – three days of cardio, and once a week I’ll be doing weight training. I’ll have to stop going home after work, and start going straight to the gym! That’s the only way I’ll be able to manage this routine.

We talk about other things as well that we need to look at – things have been hectic lately, and we’ve been lacking in taking care of different things. It kinda started when we both got the flu, and snowballed from there – basically, we’ve just been lazy. That changes today!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Remember, Remember

Remember, remember the fifth of November
Gunpowder, treason and plot
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot

Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, 'twas his intent
To blow up the King and the Parliament
Three score barrels of powder below
Poor old England to overthrow
By God's providence he was catched
With a dark lantern and burning match
Holloa boys, holloa boys
God save the King!
Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray!

A penny loaf to feed ol' Pope
A farthing cheese to choke him
A pint of beer to rinse it down
A faggot of sticks to burn him
Burn him in a tub of tar
Burn him like a blazing star
Burn his body from his head
Then we'll say ol' Pope is dead.
Hip hip hooray!
Hip hip hooray!

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Friends, or Whatever

When you look back on past relationships with different people rather it's an old friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, or whatever.... You also remember all the things people said about them as you defended them. You think about just how many people said the exact same thing, and remember how they turned into a another person depending on what the situation was. You remember high school friends who turned their back on you, because you weren't cool enough. You remember going from "best" to "forgotten in 3.2 seconds when others wanted them to not associate with you. You remember hearing the same key words and complaints others had about that person, and how now you're smart enough to know if everyone is saying the same things, there's probably a significant amount of truth to it. You remember the pain, confusion, and betrayal you felt, and the difficulty to let go. This is exceedinly difficult with people you've known for a long time, but I think we all move on eventually and realize that it's time to stop reaching out - if someone wants your friendship, they will eventually come to you. I choose now to sit on the sidelines of some friendships, and hope for the best. I've forgiven folks over the years, but I can't bare that hurt again of being "all in" a friendship, just to learn I'm not really wanted or that my good intensions are not valued.

It takes a lot for me to actively dislike someone... A LOT!! So when I do, it's for good reason. Regardless of any reasoning though, eventually I just want the best for people. You realize that people get in situations that make them a different person; a bad person. So to actively dislike someone forever is just a waste of time. We always see the truth eventually - later when the smoke clears or when you're not so caught up in all the drama you get some clarity in the situation. Honestly, you also feel a bit stupid and manipulated. You assumed one thing, when that wasn't the case.

Time heals all wounds though...
Some friendships mend, some don't
It's easier to just be okay with that rather than torture yourself forever, because what you thought once was, was nothing of the sort.
Enjoy happy indifference :)