Tuesday, October 7, 2014

I Just Don't Have the Time Anymore..

I am exhausted with some people. I have a number of great friends, but as we all do, I also have a number of those second tier friends that I struggle with. You know those people; they’re acquaintances or people you met through someone else that you talk to every so often – you’ll ask them to hang out or grab a drink, and normally the answer is a valid-ish excuse that sounds completely made up. Those are the people that unlike you’re true friends, you can’t go long periods of time without talking to them, and pick back up like you saw them yesterday when you do get time for each other. I just don’t have time for those people anymore. I don’t have time to struggle for a connection, or to keep reaching out only to get burned, and I don’t have time to tip toe around their views or feelings in fear or judgment – that’s no friend. If you can’t share your views with someone, then what’s the point of trying since you’ll eventually run out of things to talk about? No one should feel obligated to hide certain aspects of their personality or views in fear that their “friend” will judge them harshly. How boring would life be if everyone agreed anyhow? If you expect everyone to agree with you, or if you expect to be able to shield yourself from the world to avoid seeing that people sometimes think different, then I’m sorry, but you have another thing coming sweet cheeks! This is a developing, diverse, and progressing world and regardless of what you have interpreted as right or wrong, many are choosing to explore the grey just a little more every day to see what’s out there, or see how we can further the progress of tolerance and acceptance, and help our fellow man become just a little more free than he is today.

I’ve seen it happen in families and I’ve seen it happen in social groups – people are so damn passive aggressive these days that no one wants to “talk about it”. That is part of what’s wrong with the world – we don’t like it, so we don’t wanna look at it or acknowledge its existence. No one wants to compromise or agree to disagree. No one wants to think, “Maybe in this case, I’m wrong”. Instead, we’re stuck with a world that says, “I don’t like this, so I will not look at it” or “I don’t like these people, so I will punish them” or “I don’t like the way you run your religion, so I’ll just destroy your country”. How can one expand their mind without sharing views and experiencing new things – you don’t have to like it, but at least learn about it first. But people don’t learn, and then they pass along their messed up views, misinformation, and unacceptance to their children; and with as bad as the world is getting with the ever growing divide, kids are getting homeschooled by already questionable people, to learn what? That you should separate yourself from society when you don’t like someone or their views? That you should fear the world? That’s aside from what other influences their parents have, or the things they say in front of them. I’m not saying all home schooling is bad, but I’ll never understand how a high school graduate can provide their child with a full education, while we require a full college educating, licensing, and ongoing training for teachers – what kind of sense does that make. Parents who choose to homeschool should be required to educate their self-first, and be deemed competent to provide education to a child. Who wouldn’t agree with that? That’s a whole other issue all together, ay?

What I’m saying is, I don’t have time to keep reaching out to those people who don’t seem to care. The same people you try to help and try to reach out to, but don’t reach back and are fair weather friends. I don’t have time for their assumptions, their passive aggressiveness, their distance, their asinine comments, or trying to find common ground on various subjects, especially when I’m the only one trying. Like I said, I have a number of great friends! Beautiful, smart, and fun people who love me for me, and I love them for them – I don’t have room for negative Nancys or passive aggressive Patsy’s anymore.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Dammit Doc!

I told you I had an Ultrasound on my neck.
They found a nodule.
I'm not sure what that means.
They are going to biopsy the nodule.
I assume they'll go down my throat to do so?
I hope it's soon, because I'm totally freaked out!

Friday, October 3, 2014

Medical Mall

I will admit that I probably let myself get a bit too upset in the previous post about that particular subject. The past is not an issue with me; I learned to accept things a long time ago, because really there is nothing any of us can do about the things that have already happened or the things other people do to us unless we remove ourselves from that situation and eliminate those people from our lives. I took myself out of a very bad situation and escaped what was becoming a crippling depression, and controlling relationship that had more downs than anyone should ever have to deal with. I thought at the time that the adult thing to do was to make it work and just deal with it while also not realizing what was out there in the world, or who would be waiting on me on the other side of that darkness I was dealing with. I’ve had two real relationships in my life; that one, and the one I’m in now. From the first I learned that I never want to go back to being treated that way, and from this one I’ve learned that this is more what I deserve; a supportive partnership built on love, trust, and reliability. I’m happy. I just wanted to put that to rest. Plus, I wasn’t really angry at being contacted, I was angry at that type of person in general; a person who can so easily betray their own family. I don’t know their situation, and I want no part of it, but no matter who you are, if you are in an unhappy relationship… Leave it! Only then can you begin to explore other relationship opportunities. However, I don’t suggest going back to an ex to seek familiarity or comfort, because they left you or you left them for a reason. Just sayin’…

Let’s just change the subject…

I went to the doctor Monday to get blood work done, because I had a sudden weight gain and I was feeling some kinda way so I thought I’d get checked out. I haven’t had a real doctor in forever, so I basically wanted to establish a new doctor. I liked the doctor; she listened well as I explained my symptoms, and she sent me for all types of testing, and found nothing! I had my blood tested in every way, and on paper I am a perfectly healthy person. On paper, she said that she would think that I was an athlete due to my blood being so perfect. I initially wanted answers on why I couldn’t lose weight, because look… I workout, I eat right, and take care of myself; why am I not losing weight! Why am I over weight?! There has to be an answer to why I try and try, but never succeed. The fact that I have perfect blood work, cholesterol, blood pressure, and any other number other than what is on the scale is tough for me, because I’ve battle for so long that I thought surely there is a reason I can’t do this. I know it’s a teenage mentality to, “want to be like the other girls”, but I do and to hear my doctor basically say that I will never be small is tough. Why the hell do they have those weight charts if they don’t even matter? Why drill into someone’s head for 20+ years that this weight is wrong and this weight is bad, if they don’t even really matter? Furthermore, when someone looks at a person who is overweight, they don’t look at them like, “oh! I bet they’re healthy otherwise with great blood work.” Instead, they think, “look at that fat person, I bet they’re lazy and eat a lot.” I just wanna wear a shirt that says, “Complete health isn’t always what you see on the scale or even with your eyes – think deeper.”

I had an ultrasound too, but it’s not back. I had one done on my neck, because of a bulge on it, but it could be anything. We shall see. In the mean time I guess I’ll just keep on, keeping on. Try to eat right and exercise, and hope for the best. Apparently, that’s all I can do.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Had to get this OUT!

My ex sent me a message last week.
After almost 3 years of no contact
I wonder why now?
I’ve heard his marriage isn’t great
But.. 2nd hand knowledge and all that
Regardless, I can’t say I’m particularly moved….

How does one gather up the… Gosh, I don’t know… Stupidity? Selfishness? How can someone possibly think it’s acceptable to message their ex randomly after previously being not only mean spirited, but carrying a LONG history of untrustworthiness. FURTHERMORE, how could anyone in their right mind message their ex to tell them they miss them every day, and it’s Hell without them when the profile picture his him and his wife – which if you’re on Facebook, you know that it pops up right next to the message. It’s like, “Hey, I miss you.. but here’s a picture of your replacement which I’m taking advantage of at the moment just like I did you.” Seriously!? That is sick! It was sick when he would speak to other girls when we were together, and it’s sick as he tries to contact me behind his wife’s back. I truly feel sorry for her and her son to have to be around such a troubled individual that clearly needs help or some sort of course on how to consider the feelings of others.

This is aside from the fact that he had to click on my profile with a happy photo of Richard and I to get to the page to message me. So he’s not only shitting on his new family, he’s trying to shit on Richard and I’s happiness. Like my mom said when I told her, he doesn’t take into consideration anyone else – he doesn’t care if he ruins your life, as long as he gets what he wants.

I know that, I learned that. When I walked, I laid the history of mental abuse, being controlled and taken advantage of at the door as well, and I will not step back into it. So no, it will not ever matter if you miss me, because you had your chance. The only good thing that came from that time of my life is learning to value the amazing people I have around me now; my friends, my family, and Richard… They are great! There is no greater gift in life than the gift of true love through those outlets. I’m sorry if he’s just realizing that value now in lieu of just being codependent or a user.

If I was still 20 years old and this happened – trust me, I would have forwarded the message straight to his wife, or been very direct out of complete immaturity I’m sure… I’m just going to not respond, because it would be bad news. I told Richard what happened, he knows what my action is, and that’s really all that matters to me. That plus avoiding the excess drama that comes with getting involved in that stuff – if I replied, I wouldn’t only be conversing and humoring him, I would be humoring the betrayal of his wife. I don’t want any part of that – if he wants to cheat, leave her, lie, or sneak around behind her back that is his/their problem, and I’m not about to get anywhere near that, because even if my actions were to simply tell him to leave me be, suddenly I’m involved – I just know something bad would happen, because he is like a black cloud when it comes to causing problems.

All I can do is continue on with my life, continue the trust in my relationship, and keep to myself when it comes to him. He will need to figure his own life out on his own, on his own time, in his own way. I left that part of my life behind long ago. I guess I get angry; not because it’s him, but because here’s another guy who is trying to betray his wife/family, and I’m so sick of ass holes like that in the world. They deserve no on, because they hurt everyone.

Monday, September 8, 2014


This is a shout out to a inspiration – SkinnyB212!
She has done an incredible job – her post today read:

"I cannot believe that just 4 months ago, in August 2013, I was 200 4 months later, I am 150 with just 20 lbs to go before I reach my ultimate goal of 130!

I also battle with low thyroid, so it was super difficult having to avoid certain foods that would actually cause me to get bloated & gain weight.

Here is what I did & hopefully, by sharing I can help someone else:
1. I counted carbs & did not eat over 30g carbs daily.
2. I watched my sodium intake
3. I counted calories and did not eat over 1500 calories a day
4. I drank 8 glasses of water daily
5. I did NOT eat cabbage or kale or "crack slaw" since it made me bloated
6. I did NOT eat fat bombs, as they also caused me to gain
7. I tried to stick to organic & healthy foods (no junk food or fast food)
8. I workout 4 mornings on an empty stomach for 30 -45 minutes.
9. I did not eat anything after 7pm.?

She is definitely encouraging me to follow these simple guidelines to success, and I will be challenging myself to do each of these things to see where they lead me. I lost weight on low carb initially, but haven’t had luck since. With the introduction of Low Carb bars, Atkins products, and other “cheats”, I tend to use those to control cravings in lieu of doing what Low Carb is intended to do, and that’s lower cravings to a point where you don’t need that taste of chocolate. Sooooo… I will keep my carbs below 30g a day total (not net), I don’t eat a lot of sodium so there’s no issue there, I try and stay under 1500 calories already, GOTTA DRINK WATER (no more soda), I don’t eat crack slaw or fat bombs, but I’ll eliminate the low carb treats which may be a part of the problem, I’ll stick with healthy food of course (I can’t afford fast food often anyway!) I’ll continue to work out, and the hardest part, stop eating after 7pm. Did you like the epic run-on sentence? Anyway, it won’t be easy for me – I’m 100% addicted to diet soda and will have to switch to tea for the caffeine. The headaches are not going to be fun. The low carb sweets part will be tough, but I will keep some no/low sugar peanut or almond butter around for a taste, and some 85%-90% dark chocolate if I absolutely need it. I will try to only purchase these items when needed, and not “stock” them in the house – that will encourage a binge I’m sure. If it’s not in the house, I probably won’t leave the house to get it – that’ll probably save my diet life more than a few times I’m sure!

When researching low carb, it said not to fasting so I won’t be doing that anymore. Most low carb dieters say not to workout either, but I read some stuff that suggested short cardio sessions like sprinting, and weight training to burn fat – I’m cool with that. I enjoy walking, so I really don’t want to give that up (it can’t hurt).

This will take preparation and 100% dedication.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

A Little Plug for my Gym

I had no concept of how much my favorite machines at the gym cost until I looked them up last night. A Cybex Arc Trainer = $3699! A PreCore Eliptical = around $4000! Richard and I pay about $50 a month at what is now Gold’s Gym in Chattanooga, and although there are a number of cheaper gyms in town (two of which I’ve tried out) Gold’s (formally Rush Fitness) keeps the machines repaired, offers numerous fitness classes, has a lap pool (also offers Water Aerobics), and other amenities such as a dry sauna, hot tub, personal training options, child care, and tanning. With the $15 a month gyms you get the very basic and personally if I’m going to pay for something, I want actual services offered to me; otherwise I can job in the park and work with free weights at home. Another great thing about them is the fact that they keep their machines in working order! When I was a member of Workout Anytime, the gym was smaller so a couple of broken cardio machines were kind of a big deal, and they wouldn’t be temporarily out of service for a week; it would be months before repairs would happen. I also paid an extra $10 a month to get a tan there before vacation so I wouldn’t burn under the Florida Sun – they had three beds, and one didn’t work at all and the other never had all the bulbs working all at once – I dropped our membership there after a number of disappointing visits. Convenience isn’t worth it if nothing ever seems to be working – Even if Gold’s/The Rush if more than other gyms, at least I can get what I expect from a gym – some instruction and working equipment.

Also, my gym has those $4000 pieces of equipment that I can't afford ;)

Friday, August 22, 2014

Over Using the Test of Faith Line

I rarely give up. I hate giving up, I hate ending situations without proper reasoning or answers, and I hate laying a situation down and simply hoping it will work itself out – that’s just not me. Considering that, I guess that is why I find myself being a bit judgmental when I see posts stating things like, “it’s in Gods’ hands now”. Unless someone is suffering from an incurable disease or is well… dead; God(s) have little to do with your situation, right? I mean all religion aside; if there is a higher power out there, than I’m sure he or she has a lot going on, and likely isn’t going to rearrange the universe to meet your requests. I’m not angry towards the idea that some folks feel a point of hopelessness when it comes to some situations; one who is religious can just as easily put it in their Gods hands in lieu of saying that they just give up, but I do find frustration with those who haven’t looked within at their life, at their decisions, and the situation that has resulted from a series of bad decisions while equally blaming God saying things like, “there’s a reason “he” has lead me here” or “this is a test of my faith” and also placing it on Gods plate saying, “well, here ya go! I’ve done all these things to get to this point, but somehow this is your plan, a destiny, so I assume you’ll fix it.” Don’t lie, we all know these people.

Every situation is not a test of faith. If you can’t pay your bills, that’s not a test of faith. If you had children you couldn’t afford, that isn’t a test of faith. If your job sucks, that is not a test of faith. If you got in trouble at work, that is not a test of faith. If you flunk a test and screw up in school, that is not a test of faith. See a pattern here? Situations that have resulted in your own actions cannot be logically linked to a test of faith. Sometimes we have to be held accountable for our own actions, and I think some religions weaken that concept with the idea of predestination – which in my opinion strips away the purpose in life.

There are so many things out there we cannot control, death being one of them. Dealing with a death in your family can be a test of faith, because you begin to question life, purpose, and what happens afterwards. Dealing with disease or disability through no fault of your own; that is a test of faith, because you do often have to rely on the belief if science cannot help, maybe **insert deity here** can. See the difference?

I’m not harping on those who practice any particular religion, or the practice itself. I just look at the lives of some folks and say, “ok, you can do these things, and this will lead you out of the situation your in.” But they don’t do those things. Instead they complain about money, but don’t encourage other earning possibilities, while suffering from “once a year millionaire” syndrome during tax time.